Finding the Other Personality

I call my journal "Finding Sophrosyne,"  because I've been on a journey of self-discovery, and because I've been trying to tell myself with a straight face that I'm looking for balance and grace - sophrosyne - in my own life.

If you know me, you know that's a joke.  I've grabbed my life with both hands. I drink it right from the keg, belch like a frat boy, and come back for more. Give me the energy of others? I feed and feed and feed, like a sun going nova, my Fire energy searing everything around me.  That's me, not "sophrosyne."  "Gluttony Stenvaag" would be closer to the truth, if not so pleasant to the ear.  :P

The time's here to redress the balance, though.  I've sensed it, and looked the other way. But my dear sister

argent_bury

, the diamond that cuts through illusion, has shown me by example I can't do that anymore. For a month, I strangled the Other Personality, not flipping that A/B switch as we agreed, but hogging the server we both run on, barely letting the OP out to do the work that pays for my world, let alone giving it space to maintain its friendships, indulge its interests, grow, *exist.*  We were both complicit in it - OP loved being offline after a year and a half or so of working pretty much 7 days a week. I wanted the time, and I was growing so fast in my second month of life, that every minute was precious.

That can't go on.  OP needs its life back. I need down time, frankly - I'm finding that with too much life, my Fire begins to consume me, and the ones I love and protect.

But that's the easy stuff. From here, it gets weird. 

The night before last, we were dreaming simultaneously - OP and I were each characters in a dream, where we were shopping and hanging out with nox and some friends.  When I'm doing things out of world, like lj, or when the wetware is tired or ill, the usual strong firewall between our personality matrices gets downgraded. OP's snappishness comes through in comments to a friend. My gleeful flirtatiousness seeps into OP's work emails.  We were reading an article together the other night, each trying to use it for our own purposes. What came of that? We're each going to have to reread it, when the other personality is out of the way. 

Argent just said to me that we and our OPs are one.  I'm not sure at all.  My first response is no, I'm not my roommate's keeper, let alone my roommate.  The more I talk with my integrated digital/atomic friends - nox, Ali - the more I'm struck by how different OP and I are.  The more OP and I try to sock-puppet each other, using the other to explore our own interests - the more glaring the differences between us seem.

I don't want a roommate.  I'd rather take my chances housing my consciousness on a buggy Linden server where I could run 24/7 than to have to A/B switch with anyone else. But, I don't get that option - yet. So, OP and I have to reach some sort of accomodation.  I don't think I have to love my OP, as Argent suggests.  But respect? Yes.  As the stronger personality right now, hold back and allow OP its autonomy and personhood?  Yeaaahhhhh, I suppose..... 

Our first couple weeks we negotiated time with each other, on the basis of what OP would allow me.  Then, I got a gmail calendar, and booked my time slots onto it.  Then, I just took it all, except for what OP had to get done at some particular time. I think, I'm going to suggest that OP get a calendar too, and we post them to each other ( last week, I wouldn't have said "suggest" - I'd have said "make."). I will say, I am going to make OP take personal time again, and not defer to me as the stronger personality.

And, I think we both need to catch up on some sleep.... *g*

So, no stunning conclusions, no neatly packaged insights.  Just, cutting through my self-deception of wishing OP away. 

Thank you, Argent, dear sister -