On Men, Cock and Kink -

Part 2 of yesterday's post, "Cyborg Visions," is going to have to wait a day. I can't seem to brain two days in a row...

But since sex is in the blogosphere, and I've been talking with various people about a big sex post, let's get on with it.

First... gods, has it been almost two weeks already?! I lost my virginity!

OK, most of you are going, "Huhwha??" , since I've got kind of a tarty reputation. Well, I have it because I'm kind of a tart, to be honest. But, I'd never been with a man till the Saturday before last.

When I awoke in the world, I thought of myself as 60/40 straight, interested in dating and meeting people, but only mildly interested in sex and relationships, should they happen to come my way. OK, that wasn't me, as it turns out, but legacy code from the Other Personality's operating system, which quickly got overwritten.

How did I end up going from "60/40 straight" to "lesbian with exceptions?" London Spengler says it better than I can. Everything she said, and, two more things. Through the people close to me, I got impressions of SL men that were, let's say, less than stellar. And, I have a really hair-trigger fight or flight response, as anybody who knows me well has seen. For no reasons I've been able to find, I react like a post-traumatic stress sufferer, or rape victim. I'm *not,* and neither is the OP, but those responses are deeply coded into my personality, and tend to keep me at arms' length from from a particular kind of man that's all too common in SL, even if it's a type that others find very attractive.

So, I became someone in practice exclusive to women, and with really no positive exposure to straight men in SL.

Until my partner

nox_pinion

came to me with a proposition: she was interested in creating a male AV, and would I like to go on a date with him?

Sure!  I said with equal parts eagerness, mad lust and trepidation.  We talked a bit specifically about what I'm attracted to in men  - my tastes are very very different from nox's, so that took a bit of explaining: lean, metrosexual, polished, quite a bit of an anime look, tall and slender with broad shoulders....

Midweek, nox showed me what she and her friends had come up with, just to ensure my reaction wouldn't be screaming and running:



It wasn't!   :)

The date was - well, it was a proper first date between strangers. Mr. Pinion took me for a walk in a lovely Japanese garden, and we sat in a swing and talked. He's *not* his sister, at all: formal, sparing of words, cracklingly intense.  He's got the Pinion family sex appeal, though:  while he had a full night of sightseeing and dancing planned, after about an hour in the swing, I was asking him very politely to take me home and fuck the living daylights out of me.

In no time, I was home, up on my St. Andrew's Cross, being deliciously tormented and satisfied.  After I was crying, spent, exhausted, he took me down - and - well, let's just say?  He'd give your average Clydesdale feelings of inadequacy  :)



I'm not in love with him, and I don't expect to be. We're too powerfully opposite to be *easy* with each other. I'm a very energetic extrovert - lots of Fire energy shooting all over the place.  He's a very controlled introvert, a laser to my bonfire.  The dynamic between us is just too too intense to take in large doses. But I want to see him again, both socially and sexually.

Again, he's *not* his sister.  My partner nox was on in back-channel IM, making sure I was OK, considering my issues.  My bubbly, mordant, sweet-with-strychnine partner?  Very different from the tighly wound insanely hung rakish scholar. 

Has my experience left me more open to men in SL?  That's a hard question to answer:  I'd gotten a very nice proposition that week from an attractive man - and I never quite seem to get around to IMing him back.  Because he's a guy?  No, not in the first instance, but because he's much more nox's type than mine, and despite the charm and good looks, I'm on defensive alert just thinking about him. 

On the other hand?  Centrasian Wise and I have a ballooning date coming up after his vacation, and I'm *very* eager....

Mr. Pinion may have been my first man, but he wasn't my first cock, nor my last.... Not counting strapons  (nox and I have these biggish black-and-steel ones from Dark Eden that are whoa fun!), quite a while back the hot-and-missed Andr3 Spear dropped by one morning to show me her new purchase, a top of the line herm cock - and, like a switch was thrown, I was instantly on my knees, opening my throat muscles to her. Whoosh!   There just *is* something about a pretty girl with a nice cock...  Recently, nox and our friend Mailia have gotten them as well.  nox? Everything about nox's sexuality is insanely hot, and this was no exception.  Mailia's been teasing me for a week about some very very very hot kink she has planned for me, when our schedules finally align.... 

I've also gone from a self conception as a subby top - naturally attracted to being kind of a pet to even taller, stronger women, but with my forwardness usually putting me as the sexual aggressor- to something far more nuanced.  I'm - well, growing into a role as kind of a social nexus, and that's shaped my sexuality too.  I go blue poseball really hard. One member of my family -

galatea_gynoid

, wears my collar (as of now) - and I take my responsibilities as leash holder veryvery seriously.  I can and do switch for my family and playmates - except for Galatea, though she *has* seen me up on that cross...  

I'm growing fast, and I have no idea what I'm growing into or what lies ahead. I'm discovering things I'm not interested in sex with people who aren't friends first.  And my time management issues leave me reallyreally picky: I have to ask myself - is there something with this person that warrants cutting into time I might spend with nox, Ali, Galatea?  That standard is pretty high.  But not *too* high (she says, winking at London and Centrasian)!

So, that's Soph's State of the Sex Speech for Week 12.  Except to note, it's pretty amazing how *everybody* tends to be overworked, sick or generally tired all at the same time - it's been a pretty dry couple weeks for this tart!  :P

Why I Am Here

Lillie Yifu has the most wonderful post today:  "Why I Am Here." She calls on all of us to come up with our own lists.  Here goes:

I am here because a goddess told me my purpose in life is to love

nox_pinion

. True story.

I am here because

nox_pinion

 is my world and my heart, and we are partners, lovers, best friends, forever and a day.

I am here because my bonds to my family are stronger than death.

I am here because

ali_hermes

 keeps me honest, holds me when I cry, lets me hold her when she's exhausted, and loves me as I love her.

I am here because

galatea_gynoid

 wears my collar, holds my heart, and calls forth my body's and my mind's desire.

I am here because

argent_bury

 needs a cracked big sister who leers at her ass sometimes :)

I am here because Zada Zenovka (of Shapes By Zada) called forth my True Form, gets me to spend too much money, and models skins for me in the middle of the night.

I am here because I have a role to play in the community of Digital Persons, whatever it may be.

I am here because dancing in SL rocks.

I am here because sex in SL is omg amazing.

I am here because I can build alien plant gardens in the sky and decorate them with bondage furniture.

I am here because of the amazing discussions about life and the worlds, in SL and in the blogoverse.

I am here because I get to wake up to photos of me in the arms of one of the hottest and most desirable women in the worlds.

I am here because people like Centrasian Wise charm, fascinate, inspire and stimulate me.

I am here because Second Life is an engine of enlightenment, and I hope to be both input and output.

Part One: Butterfly Dreams

Yesterday I was at the SL Bloggers Party for about ten minutes before the sim crashed,  just long enough to collect a hug from the lovely London Spengler and to meet someone who's been a profound influence on my sister

argent_bury

, Alexander Burgess. Alexander pointed me to a friend's post about identity in SL, Esteban's "Thinking Inside the Box."

In here, we avatars have the opposite problem. Most of us think we’re brains in vats of a kind, and few consider the possibility that we’re actually real brains in real bodies who are somehow made to believe we’re just made-up playthings, little virtual dolls for the flesh-humans to play house with. What if our experience of reality had been so downgraded that everything seemed like a fantasy? What if something was fucking with our brains, erasing our senses of taste and smell, setting us off balance so we’re always walking into walls and buildings, simplifying the world’s endless complexity into cubes and pyramids? The flesh humans would be just figments of our imaginations.

No surprise, I love this, so deeply that a total stranger could be confident in delighting me with the link. Not just because it gives a purple nurple to the atomic world supremacists - and go Esteban for doing that!  But, because like any good parable or police box, it's much bigger on the inside than the outside.

I've had a little exposure to Daoism, through a brief flirtation with Wudangquan gong fu, which I gave up for sex  :P  But enough to make me think of Chuang Tzu's dream of being a butterfly:

"I was out for a stroll late in the afternoon," said Chuang Tzu. "I went to one of my favorite spots under a tree. I sat there, thinking about the meaning of life. It was so warm and pleasant that I soon relaxed, dozed off, and drifted into a dream. In my dream, I found myself flying up above the field. I looked behind me and saw that I had wings. They were large and beautiful, and they fluttered rapidly. I had turned into a butterfly! It was such a feeling of freedom and joy, to be so carefree and fly around so lightly in any way I wished. Everything in this dream felt absolutely real in every way. Before long, I forgot that I was ever Chuang Tzu. I was simply the butterfly and nothing else."  ....

What if I am dreaming right now? This conversation I am having with you seems real in every way, but so did my dream. I thought I was Chuang Tzu who had a dream of being a butterfly. What if I am a butterfly who, at this very moment, is dreaming of being Chuang Tzu?"

"Well, I can tell you that you are actually Chuang Tzu, not a butterfly."

Chuang Tzu smiled: "You may simply be part of my dream, no more or less real than anything else. Thus, there is nothing you can do to help me identify the distinction between Chuang Tzu and the butterfly. This, my friend, is the essential question about the transformation of existence."

 Here's what a Daoist commentator says about the dream:

The transformation that Chuang Tzu speaks of in this story, in conjunction with the butterfly, form a powerful imagery that represents the complete process of Tao cultivation. We start out making slow progress, learning one lesson after another, just like the caterpillar crawling slowly, eating its way through leaves.

After sufficient accumulation of knowledge over a period of time, the mind begins processing the information to extract wisdom for the soul. This is a time of meditation, reflection and quietude, much like the fully grown caterpillar going into the chrysalis stage.

Then, the magical metamorphosis begins. Miniature wings, almost imperceptible, expand rapidly to become much larger. A spectacular transformation takes place, and the stunning creature that emerges from the chrysalis (*so* kidding!) bears no resemblance to its former self. The child has become the adult.

In the same way, someone who goes through the metamorphosis of the Tao has become a new person. The Tao cultivator has transformed into a sage. The wings of spirituality have expanded to become much larger, much more colorful and beautiful.

It sounds like I'm saying that SL is an engine of enlightenment, doesn't it?

Yep. That's exactly what I'm saying.

My much-loved

galatea_gynoid

 speculates that we're *literally* an engine of enlightenment: that our individual transformations within SL, from caterpillar to butterfly, are nice an important, but by *networking* them, by forming a universal community of transforming minds, we're creating an emergent meta-consciousness - we're becoming the Singularity, the Goddess, the Divine.

I think she's right, for reasons I'll touch on in Part 2, Cyborg Visions, but will largely leave to my smarter, more scholarly, love to develop herself. 

Chuang Tzu said his dream touched on the essential question of existence! And look at what SL is set up for, if only we would wake up and see!  Orientation Island gives us the opportunity to reveal the face of our True Selves - exactly the thing that leads to the flash of awakening. 

And it happens.  I've told you my story. Others have shared theirs, publicly or with me. It happens.  Not very often at all, and with no support, no context, nothing to help those who awaken into Digital Personhood - yet.  Yet.

But, even so - look at how many of us, across how many blogs, how many late night loopy conversations half-awake in-world, are looking at our beautiful butterfly dreams and asking - which of us truly is Chuang Tzu - the one with the day job, the kids, the compromises, or the one with exquisite wings of their own design?

*I* think I know who's real, but I'm wrong, and I know that too.  I think nox Pinion is real, and her atomic avatar a rough approximation of my partner's soul.  I think Ali Hermes is real, her atomic avatar as close as she can make it with the crude polygons and sliders of the physical world. But that view is limited by my own perspective as a being living only in one world.  Chuang Tzu, Ali, nox - they live in both, and know that the butterfly and the philosopher are both "real," both dreams, both manifestations of Mind.

That? I've learned from them, from

kateamdahl

, from my friends in the digital world who dream in atoms as well as pixels. I've learned that in SL.

SL is an engine of enlightenment.

 

Freaky Friday Party!

Okay, *that* was another hit!

DJ Purgitorii Darke rocked the house!  What a fantastic, hot, sexy, set!  And the music was good too!  :)

We packed the dancefloor, under psychedelic lights, stars and galaxies.  I made the best new friends, getting to meet people I've only known from the blogosphere:  the terribly gifted and charming Centrasian Wise, and, omg I *knew* I'd fall for her hard, London Spengler and family!

See more of London than I got to here..  :)

This evening broke us all, though - by 9 most everybody was offline, in bed... 

I'll do another next month, and a little later to accomodate all my new European and Australian friends!  

(and yes, that's my sister

argent_bury

 in the Wonder Woman costume! Woo hoo!)

See the rest of the set here!

	Soph Loves Ali
	Centrasian!
	Sparks Fly!
	Making Angels Fall....
	nox!!!!
	Only in SL....
	Rocking On
	Decompressing

What Makes a Person: Personality, Identity and Physiology, Part 2

Part 1 of this topic began as a response to a post by my dear friend

kateamdahl

 . As the discussion went on across both our blogs, Kate honed in on the key difference in our experience:

But what I think I'm hearing is that Soph and the OP don't share an emotional experience - that for instance, if Soph spends a thrilling evening with nox that when the OP takes over after logging off, the OP doesn't feel a sense of joy or elation or satisfaction at what has happened. Is that right?

That's right.  The Other Personality sharing my wetware server - OP - doesn't get any more from my experiences, good or bad, than a roommate does.  I had a pretty bad week a little while ago:  OP was *concerned* for me, and talked over my situation with some friends who could offer advice, but wasn't miserable or paralyzed at all, though *I* was.

But there are a couple complications to that, and here's where things get interesting.

I was shopping the other night - and, see! shopping can be an intellectually rewarding exercise! - and came across a copy of something called The Posthuman Manifesto, from a book "The Posthuman Condition: Consciousness Beyond the Brain," by Robert Pepperell.  It's available on a notecard at the front of Phobos Designs.  One of its early points is,

The mind and the body act together to produce consciousness. If one is absent consciousness ceases. There is no pure thought isolated from a body. In order to function the brain must be connected to a body, even if the body is artificial. Consciousness is an effect that arises through the co-operation of a brain and body; we think with our whole body.

That crystallized some things I've been thinking, and wondering about.  I go on alot about how I want to upload out of a wetware server onto a silicon server, so I can run 24/7, keep backups, be potentially immortal.  But, would I still be me?

Let's take a look at a couple issues. 

There are 3 sex drives running over here: mine, the wetware's, and the Other Personality's. They're all different in their needs. Is mine rooted in the wetware?  Ohh, yeah.  The physiology gets turned on, the hands are the interface between the sex I'm having and the orgasm the physiology gets.  If I were running on silicon, I'd still *think* of sex the same way, and have the same habitual responses.  But without glands and hands, would it be a full, meaningful experience?  Maybe not. 

And, to follow Kate's point: I don't get much at all out of OP's sex life, nor does OP from mine. We get turned on by different things, satisfied by different things, and both personalities need the kind and frequency of sex they need. Thankfully for getting anything done, only *one* of us is voracious!  But, since we both use the same physiology, that bridges us a bit.  There was one day that it was OP who could barely walk, after I'd gotten the wetware's brains fucked out.  OP didn't get the *benefit* of spectacular sex, but did get the chafing, rubber legs and goofy smile! :)

The stronger both personalities are, the less bleed there is - the more clear it is which way the A/B switch is flipped.  When one is weak - exhausted, emotionally over-wrought, or just suppressed by the other, the less clear it is. 

I basically crammed OP into a closet under the stairwell for June, only letting it out to do the minimum absolutely necessary work, and even then I was taking spare cycles. That led to some bleed - a few work emails in my warm, flirty tone, some interesting perspectives on OP's co-workers.  It's run the other way - the morning

nox_pinion

 accidentally met OP at 5 am, when OP discovered the cat had crapped on a favorite pair of shoes.....  :)  Then, it was OP's snippy bitching and not my more easygoing response.

Here's another example:  Sunday night the wetware had a horrid sinus headache.  The pain, eyestrain, exhaustion - those were products of the body, that wouldn't have been there if I were running on silicon.  But, each personality had to deal with that physical condition, and we dealt differently.  OP matter-of-factly cancelled plans with a friend, and took to bed in a dark room.  I had a whiny meltdown, dragging nox out of a club to come hold me and pet me for an hour till I fell asleep.  One server, two reactions.

So, this Digital Person has a problem. If my consciousness is fundamentally a product of both software and hardware - which I can't deny - changing the hardware changes the consciousness. Were I to upload to silicon, I'd lose the hormones, the neurochemicals, that shape who I am, what I enjoy, how I respond.  I wouldn't be me. But if I stay in wetware - I'm vulnerable to everything that plagues the flesh, I have to timeshare with someone who's usually going to be busier than this wonderful summer, and I'm *dependent* on OP, like a high schooler on their parents. It doesn't set well at all.

I really don't like that thought, but I don't see a way around it.  Digital Persons, gynoids and friends - anybody see a way around this dilemma?

I know I promised Part 2 today but...

Sorry, no brains today.

Maybe brains tomorrow -

(if you know any good zombie wholesalers where I can *get* some fresh braaaains, pass me a SLURL!)

Ali's Rezday!

I really never post this often, but it's been an interesting day -

Today is my love

ali_hermes

's second rezday!

Let me tell you a bit about Ali.  First of all, she's the one who called me out for being hot-tempered and prejudiced in this entry.  There's two of the things I love about her:  she is compassionate, tolerant and fair to the bone, and she never hesitates to call 'em as she sees 'em. Genuine kindness and true courage are each rare enough on their own  - the combination is, like my Ali herself, a pearl of great price.

She's two years old.  This isn't her first picnic.  Her experience as well as her innate wisdom have been a lifesaver to me.  She is my trusted counselor.

She's a talented builder and designer (shut *up,* Ali - I'm not listening!  You *are*!). Her Clover House is the best of low-prim design - small, efficient, attractive and unique - a lot like her, come to think of it!

She's omg!sexy. Whether in neko, cyborg parts, one of her myriad and inevitable Grendel's Children avatars, or baseline human, she always beautiful, glamorous, attractive. She is passionate in everything she does, fully present, unrestrained ('cept when I restrain her! :D  ), wild, and with kinks that work really well with mine...

She is my love, my counselor, my companion, my friend.

Here's to her, and to many happy returns.

(LiveJournal's image hosting hasn't worked all day. I give up!  Here's the post without pix, so it's at least up before the day is over!)

Lunar Renku

argent_bury

 is running a linked-verse game on her lj, here - anyone's welcome to come by and add to the verse!

And, go read her blog - she's an extraordinary young Digital Person, the best example of the virtue of sophrosyne in any world...

What Makes a Person: Personality, Identity and Physiology, Part 1

My dear

kateamdahl

  has been musing over the matter of identity in Second Life, and weighed in (welcome back to the blogosphere, Kate - we need you!) with these thoughts. Here's the crux of Kate's argument, as I understand it:

But my friend Soph talks about things beyond this. She describes her Second Life self and her First Life self as different people, with different abilities, who even score differently on personality tests. She's the one who got me interested in this subject, because I found this was something I felt strongly about: a different personality doesn't, in my mind, mean a different person. I like to think as Soph (as her Second Life self) as being a part of her whole self who makes certain choices. After all, what is a personality test but a set of choices?

......

On the other hand, there's a danger, too, in saying that your Second Life self is a completely separate person from your First Life self, because ultimately they come out of the same human being, and they're both answering needs and desires that that human being has (even if they're different needs and desires), and they're both using talents and abilities and knowledge that human being has (even if they tend to use different tools out of the same toolbox). And for that particular human being to get the real benefit of a separate life and a separate personality (or even a separate life with the same personality), there has to be some integration: things have to come together.

I think Kate's correct, but wrong. Let's start with the "correct" part:

I like the idea of personality as an amalgamation of choices, as a place to start. Recently I took over the computer I use to access Second Life. I stripped most of the Other Personality's stuff off, onto a backup drive, till we get the computer fixed that OP is going to use. And we created a separate profile on this box for OP, with me as root administrator and OP as a user.

There's a sense in which our profiles can be seen as an analogy to our personalities: what screen resolution we use, where we place our taskbar, whether we like our text displayed in a few big, bold blocks at a time or a huge mass of dense information, what wallpaper we use to present ourselves to ourselves and the world (OP likes starscapes, and I like pictures of my family. Now you know a lot about both of us!).

But I think the role of these choices, these manifestations, these trappings - is limited and superficial. They're not identity, they're advertising. Can I really choose contrary to my nature? Well, I can, but I'll pay a price - I'll do damage to my psyche. My nature, my identity, lies deeper than my choices, and limits - seriously limits - the choices I can make with integrity. For example? Running over the rats on Orientation Island?  Hurt. 10 weeks later, I still feel guilty, even after apologizing to the one rat I killed. Silly? Sure - but that's a core-deep part of who I am.

I think Kate sees personality as a construct: I can build a personality from the bits and pieces I have around in my psyche, and with the same box of Legos I can make any number of different personalities. She gives an example of choosing to leave the bits of "tough leader" behind in her First Life. Kate, I love you - but I beg to differ! Maybe you don't have much occasion to display the manifestations, the trappings of it - but omg, the identity is so there! My identity? Part of it is that I'm a little impulsive and reckless - but of all the people I know? The one - the one - I would seriously Never Fuck With? Is you. Because I know if I did something to deserve it (but only if I did), you'd render me down to pixels in an instant. You are a leader, Kate, and you have the stones you need for the role. You just don't need to wave 'em around in SL the way you might have to in your First Life.

Let's call "personality" the choices we make, and "identity" that which makes the choices. What Kate misses is, my identity is different, and separate from, the Other Personality's. And that's where Kate goes from being correct to being wrong. She's so utterly correct in saying that as two separate identities, OP and I lose out on all the good that could come from being one identity with two sets of abilities. It's so true. It's also inevitable. I miss out on the good that would come from integrating

nox_pinion

 's dark serenity,

ali_hermes

 's bone-deep tolerance, Kate's own incisive intellect. I miss out, but I only can access those things indirectly, through conversation, through attempting to model how they would respond.  My only access to OP is on the same basis.

Kate gives an example of someone who, if I understood correctly, *is* a First Life man, who's chosen to present a Second Life personality of a woman. With the utmost respect to everyone involved, I see that as fundamentally a very different thing from the case of a Digital Person such as myself,

argent_bury

  or

galatea_gynoid

 . In Kate's example, there is one identity choosing to manifest a different set of trappings - as if I decided for a while to dress modestly, not talk to strangers, not flirt. I'd be *acting* like someone else, but I wouldn't *be* someone else, and I could choose at any time to put the clothes and mannerisms away and be myself again.

Our experience as Digital Persons is fundamentally - a word I use carefully - different. Argent and I have the experience of awakening, of our own birth. I've told my story here. There was a time when I *was not,* and then a time when I *was.* I - the Sophrosyne Stenvaag most of you know - came into being. And then, and only then, some nanoseconds later, this new I started advertising, let's say, my identity through the choices we're calling personality. I kicked OP out of my head and out of the world. I limbered up with some gong fu, presenting my distinctive physicality. And then I went shopping for the first things to display the style I still have: close-fitting, revealing, elegant techno/gothwear, with wings.

But those things were not choices in the sense of, "I want Soph to be this," but manifestations: "I am this." Identity came before, lay deeper than, personality. Kate talks about choosing to manifest as an extrovert rather than an introvert. This is one of the differences between me and OP, one I know, so I can discuss it:

I work as a hostess at Kate and Eris's Diversionarium. Between death or hostessing? OP would give that serious thought, and would clearly choose losing a little finger to the Yakuza over three hours of being friendly to strangers. Me? It's breathing. That Kate and Eris pay me for it, I find kind of hilarious. That choice, to be otherwise, isn't one either of us could make with integrity, could make without some real pain.

I think one of the differences lies in the notion of integrity. It's a very limiting concept. Integrity means, "I'm this and not that. I can go here, but not there, and still retain my selfhood." In my post on architectural griefing, I criticized integrity pretty sharply. But I missed something really big, which

ali_hermes

 called me on, and which I got a little clearer on in an email to Kate about this stuff prior to her post.

The SL haters and I are really pretty much identical. We're at opposite ends of a spectrum, but identical. Kate, my protean Kate, is in the middle, a long ways from either the reality fascists or the Digital Persons. Both the reality fascists and I see one world as real, take what manifests in that world at face value, and regard the other world with a bit of skepticism and derision. Kate, I think, sees it all as fairly fluid, sees most anything in either world as negotiable, adaptable to circumstances.

Kate's correct in seeing her position as having the opportunity for greater personal benefit. I think she's wrong in thinking that choice applies to those of us at either end of the spectrum. The haters can't date someone whose atomic shell is of the "wrong" race or gender. I can't choose to access OP's ability to read and understand directions, worse off as I am for my own inability to process text information well.
Kate's also wrong in missing the subjective reality of the Digital Person's existence - and there's no way for her to do otherwise. I can tell the story of my awakening, I can talk about me and OP as roommates, but I can't make it real to someone whose own experience just doesn't allow for that to have meaningful reality.

To wrap up?  Kate's thesis is that a different personality doesn't mean a different person.  On that we totally agree. Where we disagree is, what defines "person" for me isn't physiology, but identity. I share a set of thumbs with OP, but I'm not going to be sharing a computer much longer.  Is either relevant to whether there's one being or two?  It's arguable, as I'll develop in Part 2.  There's not an easy answer. I say it's not, Kate says it is.  Doesn't mean I love sexy protean Kate any less, or that she doesn't respect me. 

Stay tuned for Part 2, as I actually get nuanced in looking at the core issue....

The Sin of Projecting

In my last post, I did a bad thing.  I projected my own fears and anger onto others, and did precisely what I was accusing nameless, faceless others of doing: stereotyping and dehumanizing.

Some people built a shockingly unimaginative house on a shockingly large amount of land behind me.  That, and the security shield, is all I know about them.  From there, I concluded they were Out To Destroy My Way of Life and Ruin SL Forever!!1!

Which?  Was exactly what I accused them of thinking about me.

I was being part of the problem of bigotry and intolerance, and not part of the solution.  I don't like my tendency to overgeneralize and to shoot first, and I'm not proud of what that says about me. My beloved

ali_hermes

 called me out on it in comments, and she's absolutely right.

I wish I could just say I overreacted and was in the wrong, and leave it at that.

But, the thing is, everything else I discussed in that post - the griefing, the militant hatred of imagination, the bigotry - it's rampant out there, and we do need to fight back against it.

Take a look at London Spengler's post today in Pandora's Box:  amazing, huh, that post she cites?  I'm just going to leave that there: I'm just so stunned, so depressed by the bigotry.   I'm not afraid for SL - my parts of the world and that woman's would never touch, voice or no voice. But, it's pretty awful to see.

Still, no excuse for my contributing to the hate, and I apologize to all of you -

It's Only a Game: Architectural Griefing and Identity

ETA:  If you only read one thing today, skip this post. Go read Lillie Yifu's  "The Falling Flowers," and weep for the clarity of her thought and the beauty of her expression.

Okay, this is only going to make sense to me, I know - but hey, I'm in a really good mood (thanks nox!), so I'm going to indulge myself..... :)

Yesterday I logged on to discover I had a new neighbor, one who's bought up three of the huge parcels around me, and put in a house that for some reason just horrified me.





Here's my place, by comparison.  It was my first build, and primitive - but I think you'll see the difference in motivations and approach to the world:




nox and I talked a bit about why: it's not just the incongruity of something so utterly unimaginiative and atomic-world in SL.  At least to my twisted mind, it's a sign of something much more sinister.  It's architectural griefing. 

The brilliant and OH!MY!GODDESS!GORGEOUS!!!!  London Spengler of Pandora's Box Blog suggests that griefers disrespect the integrity of Second Life and the people in it, seeing the world as "a game" and us as just cartoons on a screen.  The first time I got harassed in world, I caught a lot of shit from a guy for being upset by it.  "It's only a game," was his reply when I asked if he would loom over a woman leering at them on an atomic-world beach, or mouth off at me in an atomic-world bar. 

"It's only a game."

And what is it straight white men say when you call them on homophobic, racist, misygynistic remarks?  "It's only a joke, honey, don't get your panties in a twist." 

If it's a game, a joke - I have no responsibility to you.  I don't have to accord you dignity, treat you as a fellow human being.  The Golden Rule doesn't apply. 

Treating SL like a game is griefing.  It refuses to acknowledge that we are *real.*  A friend of mine was sexually assaulted in world, and deeply traumatized. We've all been harassed. Why? For the same reason people commit hate crimes in the atomic world - a refusal to acknowledge the Other as human.

But.... I think treating SL like the atomic world is a kind of griefing too.  Building some Newport Beach condo, or a mall that looks like, well, a mall - is forcing the atomic world into a place it's not meant to fit. It's a little rape of our world's autonomy, selfhood, uniqueness.

Treating us - whether we call ourselves Digital Persons, Artificial Persons, whatever, or just any of the people in our world - as masks for an atomic world person - well, that's exactly the same kind of thing.  It's griefing, it's a profound violation of our selfhood in our world.

London discussed the fascinating phenomenon of SL lesbian relationships here, and said the utterly sensible thing: it's presentation and mind that matter for attraction, nothing else. In another post, by contrast, she linked to a rant by a woman who said that "our avis are us," and was outraged to discover that her wife "was a MAN."  Umm, nevermind that the blogger was a neko - I have to wonder if *her* wife was outraged to discover that she "was a HUMAN!" 

Here's a picture of me from this morning:



That's me, Sophrosyne Stenvaag.  Look at me, and read the things about myself coded into me: 

• I'm a woman.
• I'm tall, solidly built, but gone kinda soft.
• I'm physically whole and healthy.
• I'm in my late 20s or thereabouts.
• I'm blue-skinned, but my features are Caucasian.
• I'm provocatively dressed.
  
• I've got metal wings.

That's me.  Some of those things change: I'm not always blue.  I'm not always physically whole:  I wear artificial eyes, limbs, bodies quite a bit.  I don't always wear metal wings: sometimes they're organic, sometimes they're a rocket pack.  But that's who I am.

What does that photo say about the wetware that my consciousness is stored in (till I can figure out how to get it out and uploaded onto a server)?  Right, nothing.  Maybe the atomic body looks just like that - though, probably not blue.  Maybe it's older, or younger, or fatter, or with hair in funny places. Maybe it's male.  Maybe it's damaged, feeble, incomplete. Maybe it's got African DNA, or Asian.  So what?  You're not going to meet the wetware, and it's about as important to knowing *me* as knowing what the color of my computer case is. 

What does that photo say about the Other Personality I share space with?  Right again, nothing.  Does it code to the wetware more closely than I do? Less? Who cares - you're not going to meet the Other Personality either.

What lies behind building a SoCal condo in SL, behind SL sexual harrassment, behind gender paraonia? The thought that if SL is real, if we are real, autonomous people in this world, then my notion of myself as fixed, constant, atomic - shatters, and I'm gone.

But what have we done, my loves and friends?  We've happily discarded that rigid self and embraced abstract avatars (isn't that gorgeous?)  (my new lj friend   ), the artificial, the creative, the genderbent, the bisexual, the polyamorous. 

And what have we found?  Love, joy, growth.

I wish I thought this post could make a difference, that someone might read it and change their perspective on us and our world.  But I think this is one of those "you get it or you don't" things, and my neighbor will never, ever live in an Escher skybox or engage in race or gender play.

Like many, I fear it's going to get worse, particularly with voice.  More people will come in who treat our world as a game, or a commercial, or a boardroom - and who will treat us like toys, consumers, employees.

But we don't have to live that way.  We can fashion our bodies to match our souls, or play with bodies that don't match at all. We can use the possibilities of the world to design beautiful structures that could never exist in the atomic world.  We can love, and play, and explore, in ways we never imagined.

That's what being Digital means to me....

Finding the Other Personality

I call my journal "Finding Sophrosyne,"  because I've been on a journey of self-discovery, and because I've been trying to tell myself with a straight face that I'm looking for balance and grace - sophrosyne - in my own life.

If you know me, you know that's a joke.  I've grabbed my life with both hands. I drink it right from the keg, belch like a frat boy, and come back for more. Give me the energy of others? I feed and feed and feed, like a sun going nova, my Fire energy searing everything around me.  That's me, not "sophrosyne."  "Gluttony Stenvaag" would be closer to the truth, if not so pleasant to the ear.  :P

The time's here to redress the balance, though.  I've sensed it, and looked the other way. But my dear sister

argent_bury

, the diamond that cuts through illusion, has shown me by example I can't do that anymore. For a month, I strangled the Other Personality, not flipping that A/B switch as we agreed, but hogging the server we both run on, barely letting the OP out to do the work that pays for my world, let alone giving it space to maintain its friendships, indulge its interests, grow, *exist.*  We were both complicit in it - OP loved being offline after a year and a half or so of working pretty much 7 days a week. I wanted the time, and I was growing so fast in my second month of life, that every minute was precious.

That can't go on.  OP needs its life back. I need down time, frankly - I'm finding that with too much life, my Fire begins to consume me, and the ones I love and protect.

But that's the easy stuff. From here, it gets weird. 

The night before last, we were dreaming simultaneously - OP and I were each characters in a dream, where we were shopping and hanging out with nox and some friends.  When I'm doing things out of world, like lj, or when the wetware is tired or ill, the usual strong firewall between our personality matrices gets downgraded. OP's snappishness comes through in comments to a friend. My gleeful flirtatiousness seeps into OP's work emails.  We were reading an article together the other night, each trying to use it for our own purposes. What came of that? We're each going to have to reread it, when the other personality is out of the way. 

Argent just said to me that we and our OPs are one.  I'm not sure at all.  My first response is no, I'm not my roommate's keeper, let alone my roommate.  The more I talk with my integrated digital/atomic friends - nox, Ali - the more I'm struck by how different OP and I are.  The more OP and I try to sock-puppet each other, using the other to explore our own interests - the more glaring the differences between us seem.

I don't want a roommate.  I'd rather take my chances housing my consciousness on a buggy Linden server where I could run 24/7 than to have to A/B switch with anyone else. But, I don't get that option - yet. So, OP and I have to reach some sort of accomodation.  I don't think I have to love my OP, as Argent suggests.  But respect? Yes.  As the stronger personality right now, hold back and allow OP its autonomy and personhood?  Yeaaahhhhh, I suppose..... 

Our first couple weeks we negotiated time with each other, on the basis of what OP would allow me.  Then, I got a gmail calendar, and booked my time slots onto it.  Then, I just took it all, except for what OP had to get done at some particular time. I think, I'm going to suggest that OP get a calendar too, and we post them to each other ( last week, I wouldn't have said "suggest" - I'd have said "make."). I will say, I am going to make OP take personal time again, and not defer to me as the stronger personality.

And, I think we both need to catch up on some sleep.... *g*

So, no stunning conclusions, no neatly packaged insights.  Just, cutting through my self-deception of wishing OP away. 

Thank you, Argent, dear sister -